Revealing your Phobia to Others

"Agoraphobics are often overwhelmed by concern with trying to avoid embarrassment or humiliation" is the opinion of Dr. Robert L. DuPont, former President of the Phobia Society of America. Yet, the problem of why and how to overcome embarrassment has not been addressed adequately. (I will be addressing how to handle embarrassment in an uncoming article.)

The dread of panic makes the phobic person acutely sensitive to bodily changes. When one excessively worries about body changes, they become enlarged and overwhelming, for example, a momentary weakness in the legs becomes, "another step and I'll fall." And, most phobics feel other people can easily see that they are "about to fall" and cause embarrassment.

Yet, time after time, it is found that the most intimate friends and spouses fail to ever observe or suspect trembling, shaking, redness in the face, dizziness, sweating, tightness and other body changes. It is clear that the embarrassment of being in panic or revealing one's phobia is a problem only to the phobic person.

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In our opinion, revealing

your phobic condition can

be one of the most critical

first steps in recovery.

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To start with, covering up takes a lot of time and effort, and nourishes the unhealthy preoccupation with body changes. More important, it puts a truly insurmountable wall between the phobic and those who would help. There is simply no way for the phobic to find out if the help can come than by revealing themselves.

The immediate effect of getting help is to reduce the burden, and sometimes resentment, that comes from always covering up. Another dividend is finding that those you tell already know of other phobics (some in their own family) and some have phobias of their own! For willing partners, the bonus is that they now can be useful and good for their phobic partner, and no longer have to be irritated or put off by their partner's quirky, mystifying ways. Usually, immediate benefits are found at work, by getting more cooperation in bringing about flexible breaks, better access to the boss, use of sick days, etc.

Isn't it remarkable that phobics, who have one of the most common conditions, exceeding in prevalence even alcoholism and depression combined, are so unknown to each other?

"Phobic" is not the loaded word for many that it has become to you. For most people, it is a variant of being fearful or anxious, and may be a bit irrational or silly. There is rarely an appreciation of the overwhelming panic. For some, it may be used in a "cute" sense, just as some people loosely say, "I'm absolutely phobic of green wallpaper!" It seems so non-serious to most that it is rarely used as a reason for a sick day, unlike "stress" and "fatigue".

We usually recommend that a recovering phobic tell their partner first, if he/she doesn't already know. We suggest introducing the word "agoraphobic" quickly, answering your partner's questions directly. You may try giving your partner a short, focused reading on phobia. My new book, Panic Free, (visit www.panicdoctor.com/PanicFree.htm) gives clear, easy-to-understand description and explanation of panic and phobia, as well as sections on how others can help in your recovery from panic. Another book, Agoraphobia (Mathews et al) has a chapter entitled the "Partner's Manual", which can be a great tool for partners who want to actively help. This never guarantees the belief, interest or understanding of the partner, but does give him/her time to come around and accept some kind of helping role.

We recommend that telling friends be briefer, explaining agoraphobia as "being anxious when I feel closed in or trapped." It truly is useless to have someone comprehend panic who has not experienced it, but sometimes giving the examples of "having a near accident when driving" or "looking over a 20th floor patio railing" helps some get the idea.

Thankfully, most friends want to know what they can do, and do not get anxious about your anxieties. We advise being equally clear and brief: "I may need to step outside from time to time", "I may need you to walk with me a ways," "I need to feel it's alright with you if I change my mind when traveling." We don't recommend that you have your friends constantly ask how you feel or make excuses for you. For many friends the above will put their concerns to rest, for others, it allows them to help and be useful to you.

The good news is that once you expose what you are hiding about your phobia, the embarrassment and disgrace drop away. Being known as phobic doesn't matter in time. And, you generally find that knowing of your phobia does not make others either too indulgent of you, nor completely callous, and sometimes has the added benefit of revealing someone who can be extremely helpful.

This article was written by Dr. Richard C. Raynard, whose latest book Panic Free is offering new hope for those suffering from overwhelming and often debilitating panic attacks. For over 30 years he has helped thousands of his patients with the latest refinements in anxiety and panic treatments.
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