Handling Criticism

Phobic persons are sensitive to social situations where they are suddenly pinned down or confronted by an accuser. Phobics often rate criticism as one of their most sensitive areas. In order to help those of you who are "trapped" by such criticism, the following tactics often serve as ways out. Remember your motto, "I am never trapped!", and use these at once to your best advantage.

Most of us react to criticism with surprise, feeling it is unjustified and that the critics' motives are suspect. Criticism hurts most when it is particularly valid. For some, the reaction is more one of shock and disbelief, "I just sat silent and tense, my jaw tightened; I stared in what looked like a helpless way, feeling hurt and mad all at once." At the very time you need to cultivate skill in listening and defusing the situation, you may be the most lost.

Criticism can be just. Ask yourself if you hear the same criticism from more than one person, or whether the critic is knowledgeable about the subject. Are the critics' standards reasonable? Is the criticism specific? Is it important to respond? In the face of fair criticism, finding excuses or trying to side-step it is irresponsible and will seem that way to those who are trying to be fair.

If the criticism is fair, defuse your emotions by immediately agreeing to a specific point, reserving judgment for others later. Immediately project the attitude, "I needed that. I want to think about how I can use what you've told me." This takes the steam out of the critic, puts him/her on your side, and in your control. Even if the valid point is buried in unfair charges, be generous and acknowledge it. This gives you more "credit" for disagreeing with the other points. In committee or debate, the criticism is often deferred by acknowledging the point, and building or extending it to support your argument.

When the criticism seems much unfair, it is easy to succumb to, "He doesn't like me," or "He's out to get me," or "I've lost". If you are sensitive or lacking in confidence, you may internalize it "I'm no good", and you could use a good friend or counselor to put it in perspective. Try not to give in to efforts to play on your guilt or pity. In any case of unfair criticism, show you want to listen and clarify. The facts will reveal the basis of criticism that is easily refuted. For your close friends or family particularly, project the attitude, "I value your opinion. Let's go over this carefully." The fact about all criticism: the critic is acknowledging you need correction in order to get the best results - like a coach on the playing field.

If the criticism is not important and the critic not close to you, let it go and do not make any more of it. It is not likely to come up again. You might need some practice in taking a ribbing, or perhaps a more formal "roasting".

When the criticism is with people close to you or in the family, you can more quickly get behind the criticism - often it is disappointment or hurt. Then you can ask, "What's really wrong?" Also, you have much more space to have your critic deal with your hurt feelings.

In any case, I recommend handling criticism by focusing on the benefit of improving than on the pain of being wrong. After all, the best direction often comes from criticism which may have floored you initially - particularly one "out of left field" that you were blind to. When you get adept at fielding criticism, you will stop your avoiding it.

Remember, the basic way to cure is to desensitize yourself to the situations you dread. When you find you can handle criticism, and even master it, you will be able to stay long enough in the situation to become completely desensitized in time.

For additional reading, see:

Panic Free, Dr. Richard C. Raynard, 2004
Nobody's Perfect, Dr. Hendrie Weisinger, 1981
I Can If I Want To, Dr. Allen Fay, 1977

This article was written by Dr. Richard C. Raynard, whose latest book Panic Free is offering new hope for those suffering from overwhelming and often debilitating panic attacks. For over 30 years he has helped thousands of his patients with the latest refinements in anxiety and panic treatments.
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