How to Select a Practice Partner

The help of a friend or family member can be a powerful motivator for someone who suffers from panic. And, they can be a valuable tool if you are being coached in a program of exposure therapy by a specialized therapist trained in desensitization and introceptive conditioning.

Phobic persons take an average of eight to 11 years to find appropriate help after their first panic attack. Those with obsessive worrying and panic get preoccupied in keeping panic away. Many are treated for a physical illness first. Most are easily discouraged from getting help. And, everyone waits MUCH too long for help.

A "safe" person makes us feel immediately more secure and less anxious. This is especially true for persons who panic. A safe person does this not only by active support, but also by being a calming presence. This person can be a husband or wife, a family member or friend, a trained helper, a professional, a stranger, or even a child. Partners can help - or undermine - progress, and spouses in particular have the greatest influence. Not surprisingly, there are qualities and traits that make a good partner to someone who panics, and traits that can undermine and sabotage (even unknowingly) a person's recovery.

Case: Mary and Ron were a middle-aged couple whose children had left home. She was ready for good changes after 33 years with a phobic condition. As she was overweight and arthritic, her husband warned her threateningly about her attempts to travel and condemned her attempts to drive alone. He would not let her drive without his supervision. He even belittled her attempts to overcome her chronic illnesses, haranguing her to apply for disability. Mary did not make progress until she practiced alone or with her sister, who could offer positive attitude and much patience. Mary now could make small first steps in spite of her painful knees and poor health. Soon Mary was able to drive to local stores and visit her sister by herself.

* This case is an excerpt from the book Panic Free by Dr. Richard Raynard, Trafford Publishing, 2006, 311 pp

Here are some points to keep in mind when looking for a good practice partner:
A partner can either make a phobia worse or accelerate progress. Some of the most dramatic improvements have come when a partner gets actively involved. You can select your partner carefully to give yourself the best chance of success.

Practice in the situation of anxiety is not a task which you must do completely alone. Some may be able to do all practice sessions alone, and may prefer to do so. For others, the support and encouragement of a spouse, a friend or a family member (partner) increases success.

Your partner is not going to do the work for you. His or her role is to stimulate you to do the practice you have set for yourself for that day. Your partner is much like basketball coach. He doesn't go out and shoot baskets himself; his players do the scoring. Your partner should be there to help you focus on the tasks ahead of you and provide support when needed.

The most important job is to make sure you don't run away when you come close to or in contact with the fearful situation. Your partner needs to be a flexible yet firm person, full of praise yet tough, warm hearted yet honest enough to see clearly. For example, when you want to quit, he or she will suggest, "Do you want to step back here and take a breather and decide then?"

Naturally, you will want someone who is concerned about your well-being and wants you to overcome your phobia. Is he or she concerned? The job may involve quite a bit of time and effort as well. Does he or she have the time, say three or four practices each week?

If you pick someone only for the reason that they are genuinely concerned about you, that concern can actually get in the way of your progress, and your ultimate goals. For example, when selecting your practice partner, try to imagine how he/she would react when, while practicing you say, "Get me out of here, I need air or I'm going to faint." Would he be so concerned he/she would rush you out of the room immediately? Or, would he help you find a way of staying until your anxiety levels go down? No matter how terrified, dizzy, or "jiggy" you feel?

A good practice partner wouldn't let you run away. He wouldn't let his concern for you allow himself to feel sorry for you. For example, he must be able to say "no" to you and mean it on some occasions.

Your partner should feel comfortable with your leaning on him for support whether to take his arm or getting you out the door. At the same time, he should know when to let go and let you do it on your own and feel comfortable about that, too. He should easily tolerate a lot of clinging and dependency for awhile until you find your own stride in practice.

Probably most important of all, your practice partner should be convinced of your ultimate success based on understanding of your phobia, and what practice involves. He or she believes that you can overcome your phobia through the practice sessions you both do, and he believes in your capabilities. It is recommended that your practice partner learns about desensitization and exposure therapy. It certainly helps if you partner is willing to accept supervision from a qualified therapist, since often there is considerable detail, technique and planning in successful outcome.

This article was written by Dr. Richard C. Raynard, whose latest book Panic Free is offering new hope for those suffering from overwhelming and often debilitating panic attacks. For over 30 years he has helped thousands of his patients with the latest refinements in anxiety and panic treatments.
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