Another Step Toward Recovery

by Joan Ward

Joan is a student in Journalism who submitted this essay to her class. She gave permission to Dr. Raynard to publish a copy of the essay in the March 1986 issue of Phobic Update(c).

I am sitting in the classroom listening to the teacher explaining the story we read for homework. Suddenly, I become aware that my heart is beating more rapidly than usual. I feel warm and the palms of my hands begin to perspire. The feeling comes over me that I must run, must leave this place before something terrible happens. My imagination races and I see myself on the floor between the desks, screaming and thrashing wildly while my classmates react in horror. I see myself later trying to explain what happened, and, failing miserably, having to withdraw from the class amid utmost embarrassment.

I am agoraphobic and what is happening to me is what agoraphobics fear more than anything in the world - an attack of panic in a public place.

In the past, when these feelings overcame me, I hurried to my place of safety - my automobile parked as close as possible nearby. The times I rushed from church, supermarket, theater, etc., are too numerous to count. So numerous that, in fact, I had begun to avoid these places and stay at home. But this time I react differently. I say to myself, "This is just a panic attack. It will pass if I do not add danger to it. My body has pumped adrenalin into its system and in five minutes it will be re-absorbed and I will be fine." I look around me at the other students in the classroom. They are listening intently to the teacher and have no idea what I am going through. I try to imagine what their lives are like. I look at the girl who sits next to me and picture her in her home with sisters and brothers. I return my attention to the teacher and find my place in my book. The panic has disappeared. By controlling my thoughts and deliberately placing my attention on people and things around me, I have regained control. And no one but myself is the wiser.

Agoraphobia is a learned behavior. It is, in fact, the fear of fear. One suffers a panic attack, which can be so horrible that one feels one is actually dying, and thereafter spends one's time avoiding the things or places which one blames for causing the attack. But if this behavior is learned, it also can be unlearned. By the process of desensitization, that is by approaching the feared place slowly and staying only moments, and then gradually lengthening the periods of time, one can overcome the fear.

Agoraphobia can be cured. It takes a strong commitment and a great will to effort, but the reward of peach of mind and a happier life is certainly worth the struggle.